My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
