i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
