your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
