I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
she looked like the before picture.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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