I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Acid is not a monday night drug
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I just found puke in my bra..
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
