I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Randomize
