Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
