dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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