dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
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He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
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Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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