literally had 100 drinks last night.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
