I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i dont even know how to be here
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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