So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
