Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
