Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Randomize
