recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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