i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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