I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
