Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
the day after is always just damage control
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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