I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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