I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
