I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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