a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
