I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
