apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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