I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
