I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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