just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
