I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
