My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
