I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
