In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
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Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
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Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
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