just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
