Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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