soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I want her autograph on my taint
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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