i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
