Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
