I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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