You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
