Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
