dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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