I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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