Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
