i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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