Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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