Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
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My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
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Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize