take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
