Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
