At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
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