The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
