my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
