Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Sorry my hands just texted you
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
