What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Randomize
