you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
