You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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