1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
