I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
