Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
