your room smells of hookers.
And success
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
that may or may not have been my penis.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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