i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
