My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Randomize
