can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
