She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
