She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
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