you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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