i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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