Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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