I wish I could teleport
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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